The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
