and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
