onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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