Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
