my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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