I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
