They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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