Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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