my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
