Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
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Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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