birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
