Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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