i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
