I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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