The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
