see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
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A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
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I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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