You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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