the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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