i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
