Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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