I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
