what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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