What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
