omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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