Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
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My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
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She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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