life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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