I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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