I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
