Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My dad just said "fuck circus"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
