He asked to "fluff my boner.."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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