At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
