i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
