You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
