I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
