god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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