Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
