Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
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i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
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I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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