In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
