Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
