You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
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we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
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My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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