i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
