I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I need to stop coming to work sober
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
MIDGETS
????
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize