I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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