Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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