you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
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