I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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