i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
