I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
