sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
