youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
