1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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