You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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