I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
