i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
