I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
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I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
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I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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