my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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